guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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