Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
