Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
