Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
