Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
