If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize