just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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