he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize