Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
