so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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