How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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