why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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