so that wasnt chicken after all
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
