Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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