The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
