My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
