PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
