ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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