I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
