I'm eating all of the evidence.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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