I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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