We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
