i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
