Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
