Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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