At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
