I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
