Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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