Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
