it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
