I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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