Barsexuality is the new black.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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