Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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