Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
