I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
