I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
