You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
