the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
