how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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