Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
