I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
