Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
