Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize