Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
