I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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