I met the friendliest cop last night
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
