I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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