Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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