I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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