so that wasnt chicken after all
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
