she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
