I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
