if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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