This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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