i already hear my dad disowning me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
