Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
